“‘I exist.’ In thousands of agonies–I exist. I’m tortured on the rack–but I exist! Although I sit alone–I exist! I see the sun, and if I don’t see the sun, I know it’s there. And there’s a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
Hello everyone! My name is Jan and welcome to another blog post, I will definitely try to post more on this blog and update as much as I can once I figure out how to blog akeke.
So how have you guys been doing during quarantine? How’s your year been? Pick up any new hobbies? New TV shows? Learn anything new?
This year has certainly been… interesting, hasn’t it? A complete and absolute… mess. Most of us (well, I hope that most of us) had spent a majority of our year in quarantine. Being said, isolation, not seeing your friends, not really having face to face communication in a while and while it may not seem like a big deal but I feel like there is a big difference between being alone and lonely. These days, the words “being alone” and “loneliness” can be mixed up together since nowadays we are… mostly alone, aren’t we?
But let’s talk about the difference first.
Alone vs Loneliness.
The difference is that when you’re alone, you’re physically by yourself without anyone around at the moment. While loneliness can take a grasp onto you without warning and it’s like even if you’re in a room full of people, you still feel… by yourself.
And I think loneliness has contributed to a big part of mental health this year. Or every year, really. Everyone is different.
This year everyone’s life has been adjusted in some way, right? Whether it be online classes, online work, trying to maintain a good social circle, and friendships even when you can’t see the people you want to see the most. Let’s say things really took a toll and your relationships with certain people fell out of bounds, you can’t escape this place that you’re in even if that place is your home. Everyone’s life is different, everyone might experience toxic or terrible things that impacted your mental health and there isn’t really a good outlet to express your feelings correctly because we are… lonely… right?
I feel like (in my case, more specifically) that there’s been this idea of trying to get better. Better in terms of whatever you want it to be. Like, getting better in cooking, getting better in waking up, getting better at being a good person.
In my case, I have just been trying to get better all on my own. When I say ‘all on my own’ for the past two-three or even longer months than that I have really been struggling with my mental health. Waking up feels like a chore and it feels like I’ve been stuck in this insufferable loop that I just can’t get out of. And it’s hard talking about these kinds of things to your parents or anyone because no one else can really understand how you truly feel because it’s you. Getting better isn’t just waking up one day and being all like bonk! I am no longer depressed, I no longer feel these burdening thoughts and no longer question my existence out in the universe! Depression? NEVER HEARD OF HER BEFORE!
Getting better to me was… trying. Attempting. Doing something. But how could I do anything when I no longer feel like myself?
My unhealthy coping mechanisms consist of not necessarily pushing people away and just… disappearing for a while. I do it unintentionally too, but once I see that other people are moving on with their lives and I’m not… I just sink.
tag yourself i’m squidward.
So what did it mean to get better? Get better for who? My parents? My friends? Myself? I had to learn how to live with my unhealthy coping mechanisms when my mental health gets worse and that had to start with me. This year was the year I had friendships fall out of place, people coming and going and I didn’t know how to cope with that, my loneliness thoughts began taking control over me to the point where I didn’t feel like I was a person anymore, I was merely… existing.
But I kept pushing myself to get better. Just get better then everything was going to be all right. I had to stop feeling like the things that didn’t work out were my fault, I had to come with the terms that I was in charge of no one else’s feelings but my own.
Throughout those days where I felt like I wasn’t really there anymore resulted in me laying in my bed with no sense of direction, I forgot that I existed for a bit and I just didn’t… try anymore. It sucked being at a point in your life where you feel like you can’t do anything at all, and that there wasn’t anything anyone else could do for you.
When those depresso sessions get hard, you don’t necessarily feeling doing… anything, do you?
That’s where the unhealthy coping mechanisms come in. We sink, we black out, we just lay there. But let’s try doing something. There’s the keyword. Try.
Let’s try. All right? Let’s try to remember why we do the things we do, why we like the things we like, let’s… try. Talking to people I actually trust.
Sometimes you don’t really see what you have unless it’s right in front of you, sitting there right under your nose. I became so focused on the things that could’ve been, why they left, why didn’t it work out when I should’ve been focused on what I still have. We don’t really take things for granted until… they’re gone and my mind was so focused on that what could’ve been instead of what I have. Reminding myself of the things that make me happy, the people that make me happy, the people that I know who are always going to be there no matter what help set my mind back at ease, and I talked to my friends again, I tried. That was the difference this time. I actually tried and I’m back in a good space again, with good people and I opened myself up to a new community (hello booktwt and booktube akeke) and I feel… okay again.
Making better habits
These habits don’t have to CHANGE your life completely overnight, but it’s really the little things that help, even if it’s tiny.
Little things like opening your curtains to let the daylight in, getting up and brushing your teeth, cleaning your bookshelf, getting yourself a tall glass of water Anything small can help, it’s the fact that you’re trying that makes it worth it.
These small things can change your life big time, and trying new things can get you back into being active, back into looking forward to something in a day.
The mental health stigma is still alive and relevant! It’s okay to put your own emotional wellbeing first. It’s okay to think of what’s best for you.
That’s all for now! I will try to write more blog posts and be more active, I’m still trying to make this into a habit for myself hehe.