february wrap up | what i read and loved

Hi there! My name is Jan and welcome back to another blog post ◝(ᵔᵕᵔ)◜ ♥

This is my first wrap up on my blog and I’m vv excited to do it! Usually I write down everything I’ve loved/did in a month down in my journal just bc it’s a good way to spill out my feelings and reflect, but after seeing so many other bloggers do wrap ups on their blog, I decided to give it a shot! I want to connect and interact with you guys as much as possible ❤

I will be talking about everything I’ve read, watched, listened and more! To watch my february wrap up video, watch it here!

February was a really, really, busy and hectic month for me. It was also really chaotic in terms of my personal life, my school life, and my life as a content creator. Even though I was really busy and overwhelmed, I still had a lot of good moments I would like talk about with you all! How was February for you? Anything exciting happen? Let me know!

Reads

In total I’ve read about 4 books last month, which isn’t a lot but I’m proud of myself for reading consistently lately! Once I’m in a slump, I get into a SLUMP, so I’m really proud of myself being able to do so!

What I’ve read in February:

I finally read The Burning God after setting it aside for months! Thank you Ace and Trin for bullying me into finishing it ❤ Check out my review here!

I also read The Invisible Life of Addie Larue after seeing it float around TikTok for so long. My irl friends sent it to me knowing how much I like books and thought I would enjoy it… well… I didn’t LMFAO. The ending is what saved it for me but it was really boring in my opinion 😦 I should be posting a book review of this soon! Be sure to watch out for that ❤

I Love You So Mochi has been on my TBR for so long and I finally read it this month! It definitely got me into the February feels just because of how cute and fluffy it was. Definitely a great and light read if you want some cute fluff ❤

I also read Horimiya Vol.9 ! I always try to read at least one manga a month and I’ve been binging the Horimiya series ever since the anime got released this year! It’s definitely one of my favorite mangas ever, it’s so fluffy and wholesome and cute and I WOULD JUST D WORD FOR IZUMI MIYAMURA. thank you.

I mean, seriously, look how cute they are :((

I also got approved for one of the ARCs I’ve been wanting to read FOREVER!! The Ones We’re Meant to Find by Joan He has been at the top of my most anticipated 2021 reads and I’m sososo happy I finally have it in my possessions to read ❤ I’m only at the 50% mark and things are getting CRAZY. I can’t wait to share my thoughts with you all later on the blog!

Films

I’ve also binged a ton of stuff this month! I finally watched Always and Forever, Lara Jean with my best friend before Valentine’s day (reaction video is coming soon I promith), and I’ve also been binging a lot of Marvel movies lately after finally getting Disney+ LOL.

I finally!! started!!! watching!! WandaVision!!! If you read my Most Anticiated Books and Films of 2021, you should already know that I’ve been waiting for this series FOREVERRR!! I’m a huge Marvel stan and I’ve missed their movies sooo much (my favorite Avengers are Wanda, Captain America & Spider-Man) and duuuude when I say this series is good, IT IS SO GOOD!!! I never know what to expect every episode and I’m always left with a feeling of confusion BC I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!! I love Wanda so much, she’s grown so much since Age of Ultron I’m just :((( I JUST WANT HER TO BE HAPPY!!!

Oh and I finished True Beauty also, and I’m just devastated I just want Han Seojun to be happy 😦

Personal

So. I was really, really, busy, this month! And I still am really busy! The grind just doesn’t stop forrealll.

This month I had to apply to my school’s Radiography program, which is essentially the school for people who major in X-Ray Technology. In order for me to finish the rest of my classes and graduate, I have to apply to the program! It was a very hectic week for me but I’m so glad that I got it done !

I also reconnected with my friends that I haven’t talked to in a while ! 2020 was the year where I fell off with a lot of my close friends and lost some really valauble friendships which made me rlly sad for a while, but this year I started to reconnect with my old pals that had a rlly big impact on my life and I’m glad I started talking to them again ❤

I had a galentine’s day with my best friend shan! usually on a holiday we have a special day together where we have this sort of (potluck?) together and watch a movie? we always try to go for “aesthetic” foods to post on instagram and whatnot but it always fails LMAO. for galentine’s day we had shumai, mac n cheese, carne asada fries, and fried chicken along with coca-cola. we spent the rest of the night watching always and forever, lara jean and making really bad music videos LOL.

I’ve also been doing weekly writing sprints! with my lovely friends Ace @ peachnace.com , Trin @ allegoryofwords.wordpress.com and Zoe Hana Mikuta, author of Gearbreakers come out this june! If you want to join us for weekly writing sprints, join us every Monday at 12pm pst on Ace’s channel!

Doing these writing sprints have made me so productive with my writing and I’m vv glad I started doing them with my lovely group of friends, I honestly love them so much ❤ Honestly, I write a lot when I do write and I can write about 400-600 words in twenty minutes and I do enjoy writing a lot but I’m just… too… lazy… to write… LOL

I’ve been doing nightly writing sprints with Trin though and it’s boosted my productivity by a lot lmao TY TRIN!

I also finished my first anthology submission! Ace and I both wrote short stories for this Queer Yonder Anthology and we had a such a fun time writing it! This anthology submission I wrote was based off of my friend’s dream and it’s a horror/inception kind of story and it’s the second story I’ve ever written that I actually finished! Even though I didn’t get chosen, I’m really proud of myself for finishing this story that I put my all into. I’m also wanna say thank you to my soulmate Ren for helping me out on this submission!! I’m so sorry that you had to bear and edit it with me SFKASJFKASJK. I love you bae.

Here’s a smol collage of my month down below ❤

One last thing that I want to mention what happened in February is that I celebrated my ult bias’s birthday LOL. HAPPY BIRTHDAY I LURV UUU. (I also celebrated 4 years of stanning him :D) My fav thai idol ❤

Mentally, i’ve been okay. i’ve had a few moments last month when i was truly going thru it but recently i’ve been journaling my thoughts/things im grateful for/my day every night in my journal and it’s been really helpful taking some weight off my shoulders. after reconnecting with some things/people that have hurt me in the past last month, it was rlly hard to come to terms with how i felt about those certain things/people and your girl was just going thru it. but i’ve been bearing my feelings day by day. being surrounded by my wonderful book friends have helped me a lot and i’m really proud of myself for growing from the person i used to be a year ago.

My self-confidence has also been boosted up a lot bc of my amazing friends that I around me! I’ve been feeling vv pretty lately ❤ (sorry to be narcissistic but after feeling hideous for a good month this has been very uplifting on my heart LOL)

That’s all for today’s post! Thank you so much for stopping, it truly means a lot ❤

Until next time,

Jan

Let’s Talk: Mental Health.

“‘I exist.’ In thousands of agonies–I exist. I’m tortured on the rack–but I exist! Although I sit alone–I exist! I see the sun, and if I don’t see the sun, I know it’s there. And there’s a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

Hello everyone! My name is Jan and welcome to another blog post, I will definitely try to post more on this blog and update as much as I can once I figure out how to blog akeke.

So how have you guys been doing during quarantine? How’s your year been? Pick up any new hobbies? New TV shows? Learn anything new?
This year has certainly been… interesting, hasn’t it? A complete and absolute… mess.   Most of us (well, I hope that most of us) had spent a majority of our year in quarantine. Being said, isolation, not seeing your friends, not really having face to face communication in a while and while it may not seem like a big deal but I feel like there is a big difference between being alone and lonely. These days, the words “being alone” and “loneliness” can be mixed up together since nowadays we are… mostly alone, aren’t we? 

But let’s talk about the difference first. 

Alone vs Loneliness.

The difference is that when you’re alone, you’re physically by yourself without anyone around at the moment. While loneliness can take a grasp onto you without warning and it’s like even if you’re in a room full of people, you still feel… by yourself.
And I think loneliness has contributed to a big part of mental health this year. Or every year, really. Everyone is different. 
This year everyone’s life has been adjusted in some way, right? Whether it be online classes, online work, trying to maintain a good social circle, and friendships even when you can’t see the people you want to see the most. Let’s say things really took a toll and your relationships with certain people fell out of bounds, you can’t escape this place that you’re in even if that place is your home. Everyone’s life is different, everyone might experience toxic or terrible things that impacted your mental health and there isn’t really a good outlet to express your feelings correctly because we are… lonely… right? 

Getting Better 

I feel like (in my case, more specifically) that there’s been this idea of trying to get better. Better in terms of whatever you want it to be. Like, getting better in cooking, getting better in waking up, getting better at being a good person. 

In my case, I have just been trying to get better all on my own. When I say ‘all on my own’ for the past two-three or even longer months than that I have really been struggling with my mental health. Waking up feels like a chore and it feels like I’ve been stuck in this insufferable loop that I just can’t get out of. And it’s hard talking about these kinds of things to your parents or anyone because no one else can really understand how you truly feel because it’s you. Getting better isn’t just waking up one day and being all like bonk! I am no longer depressed, I no longer feel these burdening thoughts and no longer question my existence out in the universe! Depression? NEVER HEARD OF HER BEFORE! 

Getting better to me was… trying. Attempting. Doing something. But how could I do anything when I no longer feel like myself?

My unhealthy coping mechanisms consist of not necessarily pushing people away and just… disappearing for a while. I do it unintentionally too, but once I see that other people are moving on with their lives and I’m not… I just sink. 

tag yourself i’m squidward.

So what did it mean to get better? Get better for who? My parents? My friends? Myself? I had to learn how to live with my unhealthy coping mechanisms when my mental health gets worse and that had to start with me. This year was the year I had friendships fall out of place, people coming and going and I didn’t know how to cope with that, my loneliness thoughts began taking control over me to the point where I didn’t feel like I was a person anymore, I was merely… existing. 
But I kept pushing myself to get better. Just get better then everything was going to be all right. I had to stop feeling like the things that didn’t work out were my fault, I had to come with the terms that I was in charge of no one else’s feelings but my own.

Trying 

Throughout those days where I felt like I wasn’t really there anymore resulted in me laying in my bed with no sense of direction, I forgot that I existed for a bit and I just didn’t… try anymore. It sucked being at a point in your life where you feel like you can’t do anything at all, and that there wasn’t anything anyone else could do for you. 
When those depresso sessions get hard, you don’t necessarily feeling doing… anything, do you?
That’s where the unhealthy coping mechanisms come in. We sink, we black out, we just lay there. But let’s try doing something. There’s the keyword.  Try. 

Let’s try. All right? Let’s try to remember why we do the things we do, why we like the things we like, let’s… try.  Talking to people I actually trust.

Sometimes you don’t really see what you have unless it’s right in front of you, sitting there right under your nose. I became so focused on the things that could’ve been, why they left, why didn’t it work out when I should’ve been focused on what I still have. We don’t really take things for granted until… they’re gone and my mind was so focused on that what could’ve been instead of what I have. Reminding myself of the things that make me happy, the people that make me happy, the people that I know who are always going to be there no matter what help set my mind back at ease, and I talked to my friends again, I tried. That was the difference this time. I actually tried and I’m back in a good space again, with good people and I opened myself up to a new community (hello booktwt and booktube akeke) and I feel… okay again. 

Making better habits

These habits don’t have to CHANGE your life completely overnight, but it’s really the little things that help, even if it’s tiny. 
Little things like opening your curtains to let the daylight in, getting up and brushing your teeth, cleaning your bookshelf, getting yourself a tall glass of water Anything small can help, it’s the fact that you’re trying that makes it worth it. 
These small things can change your life big time, and trying new things can get you back into being active, back into looking forward to something in a day. 
The mental health stigma is still alive and relevant! It’s okay to put your own emotional wellbeing first. It’s okay to think of what’s best for you. 

That’s all for now! I will try to write more blog posts and be more active, I’m still trying to make this into a habit for myself hehe.